My Hotel Rider

With all the uproar over ol' Buckshot Cheney's hotel rider, and the subsequent yawning over Kerry's related doc, I thought it's time I start to pull together my own rider since I've been on the road so much as of late.

1. Remove any and all soft pillows from the room. I need a hard pillow, dammit.
   
2. If you insist on charging me for internet access, at least make it easy to hook up to, and get a wireless signal of sufficient strength that I don't have to turn on the bathroom heat lamp, wrap myself up in the hair dryer cord, and stand on the door stop to get a signal.
   
3. Provide a bottle opener. I don't like using the door thingie.
   
4. It's the 21st century...go beyond the late 80s thrill of having just 15 channels.
   
5. Provide a simple, easy to read, easy to use alarm clock that I can set in 15 seconds tops.
   
6. Do not give me a washcloth. Do not give me a handtowel. Do give me at least two (per person) quality, thick, long, comfortable bath towels.
   
7. Ensure there is sufficient hot water to enable me to take at least a lukewarm shower.
   
8. Provide a shower curtain that isn't trying to cling to me.
   
9. Make sure the toilet can handle a big dump 'cause I gotta get my business done.
   
10. and for the love of God, turn the noise down on the heating/cooling unit.
    

That's it. That's the list. Not too much to ask now, or is it?