Sunday, February 26, 2006

Keibler Robbed

Stacy Keibler just got eliminated from 'Dancing With The Stars.' The sound you just heard is America turning off their TV sets.

Who would you rather watch dance? Stacy, Jerry freaking Rice, or Nick Lachey's wannabe brother. Apparently Idiot America doesn't want to watch the gorgeous leggy blonde. I'm embarassed for my country.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Short Track

The 5000m relay is on and this is incredible comedy. Five skaters from five teams in the race. They go like a lap or two and one of their constantly circling teammates shoves them along. You skate a couple of laps, join the Rockefeller Center schmaltz in the middle, then jump in again. Most bizarre. Exciting, but so is watching a squirrel try to cross a street, and that's not in the Olympics. At least not until the US becomes a credible medal threat.

This is not sport, this is slightly organized chaos.

Living in Vegas

I must say, I am sooooooooo freaking tired of getting phone calls from anyone and everyone wanting me to place a bet for them on the "lock of the century". ENOUGH ALREADY.......

Get you own bookie to place your bets. I moved to Vegas for work - not to be all my friends' slappie who places bets for them at one of 937498279238802384023840820 locations to bet here in Vegas.

Also, I was always a skeptic about the "you can get anything you want in Vegas" thing. Not anymore. I have seen it, heard about, told where to go, asked if I wanted to go, etc to just about everything you can imagine. Very dangerous place to live if you are married raising kids - we are adopting this year.

This place is great! The weather is to DIE FOR. There is always something going on. The people are as fake and plastic as you would find anywhere (everyone knows someone who can get anything and do anything and they can "hook you up") which is forever entertaining and NEVER, and I mean NEVER, gets old and tired. And I am doing great work.

I will always be a Detroiter though and will long to go home. Not the place, but the people. I love my friends, family and people of that place.

PLAN - make enough money here so I can spend lots of time back home and have two homes that I can commute......that will work.....

Mouse, Bug or Horse - Defined!!!

It is a simple thing...every woman in the world falls into one of these three categories. No bout adout it....

Mouse, bug or horse. For instance, Rebecca Lobo - a horse. I know this is an extreme case, but it helps make the point. Halli Berry...she is definately a mouse. Once again, an easy one, but it proves the point. Calissa Flockhardt (or whatever her name is - Ally McBeal), most certainly a bug.

So, this chick who does this whole curling thing, which BTW I have actually done with a group of friends and it is absolutely AWESOME to play, she is certainly a mouse.

You have met Gail, Detroit Sports Gal (I stole this of course). She is definately a mouse. Your better half, bording on bug, but more of a mouse - kindof a hyrbrid if you will.

Friday, February 24, 2006

24: Season 5: 3PM - 4PM

Finally watched it last night. I'm a fan of the DVR.

1) This season is like terrorist hot potato. First one guy has the canisters and the chips. Then another guy. Then another guy. It's like a big network of terrorists.

2) And every guy in this network is fully stocked. Green screens, headsets, stashed phones inside pay phone booths that pursuing CTU agents can attach, weapons, knives, canisters. They've got it all. They make the 9/11 hijackers look like amateurs.

3) Lynn's sister is the most haggard character I've ever seen. They didn't even have to make her up. Good grief. And they have his key pad. Or some sort of key. Or an ID card. Maybe they'll sell it off to DOD Devane's druggie son just to tie this all into last year.

4) To work at CTU, you either have to be
a) Psycho (Chloe)
b) Related to a Psycho (Lynn, the woman from last year whose daughter went nuts)
c) A Mole (Nina, Chloe's boy toy)
d) A pretend mole (the guy who got gassed in the hotel ventilation last year)
e) Kick ass (Clarence, Tony, Jack)
When you think about it, the most normal people there have been Michelle, Buchanan, and Edgar. Speaks volumes.

5) How about the shooting percentage of the guys in the warehouse going after whats-his-name (the guy who left the earphone for Jack)? That was like in Rambo when ol' Rambo marched against the bad guys ... hundreds of them ... they all missed while Rambo picked 'em off one-by-one.

6) I want to be at a poker table with President Logan.

7) Have to admit, those glasses give Audrey a pretty funky look. That's what this show is missing this year, though...the bonafide hottie. Where's the hottie uber-terrorist again? Did she get killed or locked up? I forget. First Lady Cleavage isn't doing it for me.

8) No, that's not an invite for the return of Kim, although it is inevitable.

9) Where was Edgar? Is 3-4PM his designated lunch hour at the CTU cafeteria, or did he head out to the CTU convenience store?

10) Next week: Lynn goes over the edge, Curtis...fresh off getting put to sleep by Jack...kicks Lynn's ass...and will the President make a decision whether or not to allow Russians to pick off his wife...let's hope he tells the terrorists to eliminate the psycho. It would be the first decision he's ever made.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Mouse, Bug or Horse

Your recent post on women's curling is interesting - but certainly not surprising. I know you and you know me pretty well. I always knew you were a mouse guy. This chick is hot and the only thing better than women's curling is watching the 2004 Women's US Softball team dominate their competition and my late-night "quite time" - the VHS tape is starting to get very blurry on the close-up's of the...um...steller pitching...BTW, I have way too many of these all over my office at work...

I am a mouse guy too, but can be persuaded to the bugs as well - JF would qualify here. My wife is a mouse and my best friend back in D-town is married to a bug - good looking woman for sure, but definately a bug.

Three categories...they all fit into three categories. Like it or not, you are married to one of the three and ALL three are just fine. The horse might be a touch and go on some occasions, but there are many fine women out there that fall into this category - just none that I am personally attracted to....

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Women's Curling

There's a reason that US Women's Curling is on ALL the time...and here it is. I'm a fan.

Frozen Peas

I hate peas. They're not that good, are a pain in the ass to eat, and contribute to the worst soup (Split Pea) known to man. And yet, after - uh - elective surgery this past week, here I am with frozen peas being used to manage the swelling. That's all fine when they're frozen and doing their job. But when they thaw and start to *smell* like peas...well it's a different story.

And why not frozen corn? Nobody, and I mean nobody ever suggested frozen corn. Why not? The doctor said 'frozen peas'. Friends who have been down this road have said 'frozen peas.' Peas suck. What's wrong with frozen corn? Ever smell corn? Of course you haven't - it's odorless.

Even the Dunk Contest is Fixed

I watched this...the most NBA I've watched all year. Hats off to Robinson and Iguodala - both were impressive (even though it took Robinson FOURTEEN ATTEMPTS to make his last dunk. But in the end, the judges screwed Iguodala. The legendary Kevin Harlan on play-by-play said he saw a judge change his score on Iguodala's last dunk - but he wouldn't say which judge it was. Even the ANNOUNCERS are in on it!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

More on VPOTUS Fudd

Suspicious concerns from Begala. Was Cheney bombed? Was he flat out reckless? Did he have no regard for safety of fellow Americans? Or is he just a flat out egotistical shoot first/ask later war monger? I report, you decide.

Hour 8

This is YOUR 2-3PM Season 5 of '24' Recap.

Canisters...canisters...canisters...enough with the damn canisters already.

1) Two subplots. First, fat ol' Lynn makes it back inside from his vacant lot beatdown with nary a scratch. Odd. There must be more to come. And First Lady Juggs coughs up more than the necessary information to her aide. Maybe SHE is the one behind it all and Walt Cummings was HER puppet. Huh? Huhhhh??.

2) Naaahh, forget that.

3) For a bunch of terrorists who were always planning to bring the nerve gas to Russia, they sure had a detailed backup plan. They knew the mall, knew the HVAC location, knew of a nearby completely vacant parking deck where they could get the chip installed...

4) And what happened to the rest of the guys at the bike repair shop who went out to lunch? It's 3PM and NONE of them came back. Unless they got whacked off camera, and they just spared us the graphic violence.

5) It's official. Prez. Logan is completely emasculated. He won't even make the decision to combat the nerve gas guys in the mall. My only question is this: Who has Logan's balls mounted on their wall? Mrs. Logan? The Cummings Family? The great Mike Novic? Or do they all get to share them, like the guys on the Stanley Cup Champions each summer?

6) I love Novic. He's a sneaky little bastard, and when I'm president, I want him on my staff.

7) My wife said that Jack was going to go into the mall, and run into Kim. Now that would've been classic. Even when she believes her father is dead, she still manages to screw things up.

8) Jack, impervious to nerve gas from all his years of heroin abuse, takes off his mask to save the 12 year old girl. Alternatively, shutting down the power to the building's HVAC not only stops the flow of more gas - it sucks back in all the gas so nobody else is effected.

9) I love how the bad guy finds a beat up old Chevy, smashes the window, there's glass all over the drivers seat, and he just hops in and drives. I don't want glass shrapnel anywhere in contact with my body - but especially not near my ass.

10) Jack has ruined it all...he didn't give the terrorists the right code. People were killed. One of the suspects is dead. And the guy who stole the car is ON THE MOVE. Lynn wants Jack fired. I want Lynn to go back to the vacant lot and get the shit beat out of him again.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Sports Credibility Scale

KGB's well-timed rant on the NBA got me fired up to finally polish off my much anticipated, long under development Sports Credibility Scale. In short, this rates many (but not all) major sports on their credibility. It's a blend of the legitimacy of the competition plus a reflection of the sports vs. entertainment tradeoff.

First a disclaimer - the ratings should take nothing away from the talents of the individual competitors. The ratings address the sports in the broadest terms possible.

Let's begin. First, we need to define the bottom.

Zero stars: Professional Wrestling. No further explanation necessary, right kids?

One star: Boxing. This is tougher than you might think. If this sport could be fairly and consistently judged, this would be high up. But the sketchy judging coupled with the heavy gambling influence weigh this down. Ask yourself this question: have there ever been fixed fights? Um hmmmmmm.

Two stars: NBA. I *think* the credibility is here, but the whole Dick Bavetta factor and continual implications of the NBA orchestrating desired outcomes (see KGB's Pistons/Heat rant) quite honestly scare me. And then there's the sports/entertainment factor. The scales tip unfavorably toward entertainment instead of sports. Ever watch a game...the second there's a timeout, cameras are on the floor, in the players' faces, in the freaking huddles for crying out loud. Marketing is geared toward the individuals over the teams ("Kobe and the Lakers take on Shaq and the Heat"). Music plays during the game. I could go on, but let's just say I long for the glory days of Bird and Magic.

Four stars: Major League Baseball. First, notice the size of the gap between the NBA and baseball. This is no accident. Now, the only concerns here are the one-on-one nature of the pitcher-batter matchups, and the sheer length of the season. But it's not "Jeter and the Yankees vs. Manny and the Red Sox"...it's Yanks/Sox. That's the difference. And it's a huge one. One more thing...screw Jeter and Manny. David Wright is God.

College Basketball. Let's face it, there have been point shaving scandals. And I can understand it from this standpoint: these guys generate tons of money for their universities and receive next to nothing (except an education, but that's another rant). And it's much easier to fix a basketball game than a game in...

Four and a half stars: College Football. Same setup as basketball, except there are fewer games (less opportunity), crazier fans (bigger backlash), and it's much MUCH harder to fix football than basketball.

NFL/NHL. Same as above. Both are hard to fix. Both emphasize the team and the game over the individual. Anyone trying to undermine this game from within would get the living shit beat out of him in the lockerroom too. The NFL could have had the coveted five star award, but this past year's playoff officiating debacles are somewhat concerning.

Five stars: Golf. It's individual competition. Every shot has tons of witnesses - look at Michelle Wie's drop last fall. The players call freaking penalties on themselves. And there are no guaranteed contracts. The only payoff is in winning, and you can't do that any way but on your own. Guys sometimes tank tournaments, but that's because they want to get home - not because any kind of fix is in.

Guns Don't Shoot People...

...idiots with guns shoot people.

And, hey, you can get a commemorative souvenir of the occasion.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

David Stern is the puppetmaster!!!

David "Don't call me Vince McMahan" Stern was at it again on Sunday. I am once again a victim of the Sunday NBA games. I watched my beloved Pistons lose, about 5 minutes ago, to the Miami Heat. Call me a conspiracy theorist; call me crying over spilt milk - I don't give a crap!

I watched the refs, Stern, and every other person who benefits financially from having a gang of thugs like the Heat do well in the league. I know I am going to be accused of a lot of things with this post, but, once again, I don't care...

Stern, as the puppetmaster, once again did everything in his power to ensure a close game and finally get reputable foe for the Pistons in the East. Before Sunday, there was no one going to challenge the Pistons. The Heat served notice. But also Stern served notice - he is in charge and will do everything in his power to ensure MORE MONEY!!!!! Here is how it went down - I am sure of it:

Stern: I can't believe people are saying the entire Eastern Conference playoffs are joke! There are lots of teams that can challenge the Pistons. The Heat are a great team - I mean, they have the Diesel and we all know what that means.

KGB: Stop it. Did you wake up this morning and smoke your breakfast, AGAIN?

Stern: Now that is just mean. I do not smoke the gangy, you know that.

KGB: Well, that is the only way I can explain it. Other than you are "hoping" for something to happen. I know you are an opptimist, but come on. NFW is anything like that going to happen.

Stern: Yeah, watch this...(fast forward to Sunday's NBA game)

Stern: (whispering) Now listen here refs, we need to see the Pistons lose another game. They have no stars, they are unselfish, they have no felonies, no street cred, nothing. I know they keep making shots, but I am sick of looking like an idiot to those who buy all my jerseys. We need you to make sure we get something done today.

Refs: (whispering) Yeah, but what can we do? They keep making shots and they work harder as a team.

Stern: Step into my office, you're fired! Listen, the game is in Miami and this is easy. Make sure the Diesel does NOT get into foul trouble. I know he pushes whenever he wants. I know that traveling can "sometimes" (cough) be an issue. I don't care. If he gets anymore than, let's say, 4 fouls in this game today - I'll have your ass!

Refs: check

Stern: He also should be allowed to dunk as MUCH as the crowd will cheer this on. Wait a moment, did you see that. (Pushing his way through, forearm, hand-check, shoulder drop, and 4-7 steps later, DUNK! The crowd goes nuts.) You see, this is what I am talking about. This is what sells.

Refs: check

Stern: Dammit! If Chauncy is allowed to shoot just one more open shot and make it, I will be PISSED. We NEED the Heat to win today. Great no-call there. Rasheed will be just fine. Shaq needed to dunk there again - listen to that crowd. Cha-Ching!

Refs: check

KGB: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

Stern: Enough already with the Pistons. We need what is better for the league and we need to get Shaq/Duncan in final together. The Pistons are boring and don't sell.


I am positive this is how it went down. Stern is McMahen. McMahen is Stern. The NBA marketing machine needs Shaq in the finals. They need to have Kobe jack up 50 shots a night. They need to have felonies. They need street cred in order to continue the bread and butter of the machine. The Pistons are not any of that and it simply does not fit into the model. The Spurs and Pistons can not meet up again - just not good for business...

KGB

The Weather Channel is a Joke

What this channel has resorted to just to try and generate ratings is embarassing. It Could Happen Tomorrow is just such a desperate attempt at fear mongering. Of course a tsunami could hit the coast. Of course a Cat 5 hurricane could hit New York City. Of course a tornado could sweep through downtown Dallas. But what TWC is implicitly doing is telling the average American Idiot that these events are more likely now than they were one, two, twenty, or two thousand years ago. Uhhhhh...no.

They're desperate because more and more local markets and individual viewers now have customized local weather all the time - not just "on the eights". In Albany, all of the major local news channels (that doesn't count you, Fox23) have their own, 24/7 local weather channels. What the hell do I need the clowns in Atlanta for anyway?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

How to spot an idiot

Idiots are everywhere. There are more now than ever before. Here's how to identify them. This is the first of an ongoing series.

- Anyone with jeans that are baggy, too long, and with a crotch that hangs down around the knees is an idiot.

- Anyone with a window sticker on the back of their truck where Calvin is peeing on a Ford/Chevy/Dodge logo, or anything else, is an idiot.

- Anyone who drives a low-rider pickup truck is an idiot.

- Anyone with a piercing of anything other than jewelry (i.e. a big hole in your ear) is an idiot.

- Anyone who installs a dual exhaust on their early 90's, ghettoed-up Ford Escort (or similar) is an idiot.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

SB XL Post Mortem

Well the Super Bowl sucked, but my main interest in the event all along was how Detroit would handle it. By most all reviews I've come across, they did a hell of a job. My hat is off to them. I've been out of town three years and I am amazed they turned downtown - at least temporarily - into a place decent enough to handle this.

Now the pressure really is on. Everyone sells stadiums, Super Bowls, etc. as major boosts to local economies. Detroit's economy sure needs it. So they need to keep the momentum going. Do some smart things. Capitalize on the buzz that the city generated this week. And then there's this: from The Detroit News More than half of the way down, they mention how the city is "mulling retaining a popular feature of Super Bowl week -- the Motown Winter Blast."

Come ON, people. You've created a little gem here - a reason to get people to hang out along Woodward in the middle of winter. And there's even a thought of cancelling it?

Keep the momentum going. A winning Tigers season would help, of course.

24: Hour 7

It might be tough to pick ten nuggets out of that sleeper.

1) It's this simple...if you're a bad guy, and you have any potentially good information for Bauer and CTU, then you're going to die before you can get all that information out. Whether or not you hang yourself, get shot by your 15 year old girl, or just simply get hit by a bus, you're toast.

2) So Doogie Howser has a screwed up sister. And now Doogie got his ass kicked. In my best Bauer impression: "THIS MAN IS NOT FIT TO RUN CTU"

3) Fortunately for CTU, all terrorists tend to congregate in the greater Los Angeles area. They're at least all within an easy helicopter/car trip from wherever Bauer happens to be.

4) How about that brief and undramatic John McCain cameo!!

5) My man, CLARENCE, gets in on the torture a little bit. Way to spread the love around, Jack. And I take it all back about Clarence...it's not just a Members Only jacket - it comes with a bullet proof vest.

6) Call Kim. Call Kim?? Nooooooooooooooooo.

7) Good job securing the penthouse, CTU. You leave the 15 year old alone in the bedroom and she happens to find a gun.

8) It was nice that the evil Russian terrorists could find a motorcycle shop so nearby, which just happened to have the tools needed to break open the canisters of doom. Me: I have to drive 15 miles just to find a WalMart.

9) How about Edgar's smirk when Chloe sent Spenser packing...now that's comedy.

10) Next week: Jack and the canisters go to Hot Dog on a Stick.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Olbermann mocks O'Reilly

In other news, sun sets in west. Still, this is a must see.
http://www.crooksandliars.com/2006/01/31.html#a6951

Google Does it Again

http://toolbar.google.com/

This rocks. My favorite feature is the VERY easy to use bookmarking capabilities. There's already a good and growing selection of buttons you can embed in the toolbar for enhanced search capabilities outside of Google. Thumbs way up.

Go Seabags!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=klosterman/blog
(See the Thursday AM Entry)

I'm with the bizarre Klosterman on this one. Joey Porter needs to shut up. The good news, personally, is that I now care about the game. Someone needs to shut Porter up.

12th Man Scuttlebutt

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/sports/3630116.html

Ask yourself this question: What possible harm is inflicted upon Texas A&M university from a professional football franchise using the term '12th man'? What a complete joke and an embarassment for an already half-assed athletic program.

Hour 6

Here's this week's '24' recap. I'll try to list some observations and highly valuable insights each week:

But first, here's Dave Barry and company: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2006/01/24_7.html

Can't do much better than the man, but I'll try:

1) For the Love of GOD, can we get rid of Audrey? Remember how that guy (Mason?) flew the nuke into the desert in Season 2? Can't we send Audrey to pry open the nerve gas canisters this year? She is the wet blanket to end all wet blankets

2) All that said, ol' Diana ain't gone yet. She's growing on me. She's the best looking of any of Jack's squeezes. She'll be back. And so will....

3) SPOILER.....Kim. I believe this coming week.

4) I'm surprised Clarence wasn't at the port to deal with the canisters...with no gas mask, of course. He doesn't need one. He's Clarence.

5) Now that Buchanan has completely emasculated Doogie Howser, what's left for him?

6) Long live Aaron, the permanent presidential security guy. He rocks.

7) Couldn't they at least have opened up one canister at the port? I was thinking they would, since the only CTU guys there were no-names. It would have been worth it to see one of them foaming at the mouth like the terrorist in the video

8) Walt Cummings deserved to have an eye cut out - or at least a facial scar for the rest of his life. Jack is getting soft. That being said, he's the master at knowing who to kill and who to keep alive to get info from.

9) Me thinks Prez. Logan isn't gonna get any nookie when this day finally comes to an end.

10) Finally, if I ever want to accomplish something evil. Purely evil, I'm putting on my blue sport coat and my yellow tie.

11) A bonus nugget this week: where is the guy Cummings was talking with - the guy w/ the headset and the green screen of numbers? He's still involved somehow.

I'm baaaack

Time to dust this off and begin semi-regular blogging again. Away we go...