David Stern is the puppetmaster!!!

David "Don't call me Vince McMahan" Stern was at it again on Sunday. I am once again a victim of the Sunday NBA games. I watched my beloved Pistons lose, about 5 minutes ago, to the Miami Heat. Call me a conspiracy theorist; call me crying over spilt milk - I don't give a crap!

I watched the refs, Stern, and every other person who benefits financially from having a gang of thugs like the Heat do well in the league. I know I am going to be accused of a lot of things with this post, but, once again, I don't care...

Stern, as the puppetmaster, once again did everything in his power to ensure a close game and finally get reputable foe for the Pistons in the East. Before Sunday, there was no one going to challenge the Pistons. The Heat served notice. But also Stern served notice - he is in charge and will do everything in his power to ensure MORE MONEY!!!!! Here is how it went down - I am sure of it:

Stern: I can't believe people are saying the entire Eastern Conference playoffs are joke! There are lots of teams that can challenge the Pistons. The Heat are a great team - I mean, they have the Diesel and we all know what that means.

KGB: Stop it. Did you wake up this morning and smoke your breakfast, AGAIN?

Stern: Now that is just mean. I do not smoke the gangy, you know that.

KGB: Well, that is the only way I can explain it. Other than you are "hoping" for something to happen. I know you are an opptimist, but come on. NFW is anything like that going to happen.

Stern: Yeah, watch this...(fast forward to Sunday's NBA game)

Stern: (whispering) Now listen here refs, we need to see the Pistons lose another game. They have no stars, they are unselfish, they have no felonies, no street cred, nothing. I know they keep making shots, but I am sick of looking like an idiot to those who buy all my jerseys. We need you to make sure we get something done today.

Refs: (whispering) Yeah, but what can we do? They keep making shots and they work harder as a team.

Stern: Step into my office, you're fired! Listen, the game is in Miami and this is easy. Make sure the Diesel does NOT get into foul trouble. I know he pushes whenever he wants. I know that traveling can "sometimes" (cough) be an issue. I don't care. If he gets anymore than, let's say, 4 fouls in this game today - I'll have your ass!

Refs: check

Stern: He also should be allowed to dunk as MUCH as the crowd will cheer this on. Wait a moment, did you see that. (Pushing his way through, forearm, hand-check, shoulder drop, and 4-7 steps later, DUNK! The crowd goes nuts.) You see, this is what I am talking about. This is what sells.

Refs: check

Stern: Dammit! If Chauncy is allowed to shoot just one more open shot and make it, I will be PISSED. We NEED the Heat to win today. Great no-call there. Rasheed will be just fine. Shaq needed to dunk there again - listen to that crowd. Cha-Ching!

Refs: check

KGB: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

Stern: Enough already with the Pistons. We need what is better for the league and we need to get Shaq/Duncan in final together. The Pistons are boring and don't sell.


I am positive this is how it went down. Stern is McMahen. McMahen is Stern. The NBA marketing machine needs Shaq in the finals. They need to have Kobe jack up 50 shots a night. They need to have felonies. They need street cred in order to continue the bread and butter of the machine. The Pistons are not any of that and it simply does not fit into the model. The Spurs and Pistons can not meet up again - just not good for business...

KGB