Posnanski: Why I Cannot Stand Aquaman

This one kills me. 

Why I Cannot Stand Aquaman

via Joe Posnanski by Joe Posnanski on 6/2/08

And then, there was Segment 3. This could feature any number of guest star Superheroes … it could be the Green Lantern, Hawkman, the Flash (my favorite … I loved the concept that a guy could be a Superhero just by being really fast — Miguel Dilone, if he had applied himself, could have been a super hero), the Atom, etc. I can remember sitting there in front of the television during those aluminum siding commercials (Garfield 1, 23-23, Garfield 1, 23-23), and I would be nervous because I could not wait to see which superhero it would be. Would it be Hawkman? The Flash? Maybe Flash Kid …

Uh, no. The commercial would end and nine out of 10 times, the "special guest hero" would be: Aquaman.

Man, I hated Aquaman. Still do. That guy was no superhero. Please. Oh, he could swim fast. Great. So could Mark Spitz. He could also talk to fish. Great. So can my father in law. I mean, seriously, you could not have a weaker collection of powers than that.

Plus there was this simple issue: THE GUY WAS UNDERWATER. I mean, seriously, is underwater crime that big a problem in society today? Is there a lot of deep sea bank robbery going on? Saltwater extortion? Marine money laundering? It used to drive me absolutely crazy watching the Superfriends because they always felt like they had to give Aquaman equal time, even though he wasn't contributing a thing. Superman, you go fly up to the moon and see if you can destroy the anti gravity machine. Wonder Woman you hop into your invisible plane, slip past the hypnotized and undead Mongolian Army and capture the Evil Hypnotist. Aquaman, um, you go gather a school of hammer fish and, uh, go hammer something.

And that's another thing … as I understand it, Aquaman could only TALK to fish. He had no POWER over the fish. So apparently we are supposed to believe that whenever Aquaman needs help, these fish will drop whatever they're doing and rush over just because they like him. Sure. My kids like me. I can't get them to put on their shoes when we're leaving the house for something THEY WANT TO DO, but this guy can send out a few soundwaves and get swordfish, sharks, blowfish and octopi to swim over from the other side of the ocean and risk their fishy lives. Oh yeah.

So, no, I don't like Aquaman. That's why he's not in the poll.